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Eliel Cruz, a talented young bisexual writer and activist , told me that many of his behaviorally homosexual male peers are now identifying as queer because gay carries unwelcome baggage. These apps can be a community in their own nature, but they can leave you feeling rejected and lonely -- especially when a hookup or encounter doesn't turn into a meaningful friendship. You can also find gay equestrians and lesbian equestrians who are horse mad on Muddy Matches and gay singles who love countryside pursuits such as shooting, fishing or hiking. A less shaky method is to look at the materials available in your own moment and make use of those. It was in this shift—in the conflating of the culturally gay fairies with the homosexual queers under the banner of gay—that the seeds of our current discontent appear to have been sown. Each floor was painted in a Key West—y color to aid with memory, my tour group was told , and many of the hallways featured photographs of early gay civil rights protests, some in which the residents had participated.

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You learn how to be Jewish from your family; in most cases, your parents cannot teach you how to be gay. The superhero and super-mom, their eyes locked, seem unimpressed with present company. The benefits of opening gayness to everyone are manifold; our culture can never have enough people who are paying attention, who understand the arbitrariness of received wisdom and dogma, and who are capable of queenly critique. Of course, one could argue that this model has worked: For one thing, it immediately rendered the more frivolous-seeming gay practices like camp secondary to basic survival.

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Minimizing gayness has been the linchpin of assimilation, the central tactic in obtaining access to conservative institutions like military service and marriage. Next, take a butch pill. Fine—it was never fair to assume that he should or could anyway. This is an understandably satisfying exercise for those who do, in fact, identify with those specific artifacts. Ours is a moment defined by a striking amount of cultural amnesia and predicated on an understanding of gayness as a mundane biological difference without any cultural component to speak of—at least not in mixed company. For evidence of that, look no further than the Prancing Elites , a black gay and transgender dance team fearlessly bringing their own sort of gayness to hostile communities in the Deep South. Gayness begins in the practice of paying attention, deeply and with great skill.

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